Life has changed so drastically, so quickly, and it keeps changing so drastically and quickly I can't keep up with myself.
But there's something divine about all these changes, because through all this I have had a constant with which to cling. Christ.
http://vimeo.com/42400233
I went to this, and it was amazing because I realized I had not prayed with a giant group of faithful in so long. It was like stealing a glimpse of heaven, hundreds of people bowed down in adoration of our Lord. It was mighty and it was powerful.
I've been struggling with loneliness off and on a lot lately. I am living such a different life than I used to that it feels like such a shadowy way of living. I am still the same person, a cheery disposition, trying very hard to keep charity, smiling always...but something has changed.
I am no longer in my comfy cozy environment surrounded by people who love as passionately and serve as faithfully. People don't praise my joyfulness here they feed on it. They give me weird looks when I smile, and they HATE my cheery disposition (what can I say it's not becoming of an officer in the military).
But there's something I've come to recognize...Christ loves these people so much! He wants their hearts so badly, and for Him, I want their hearts badly as well.
I've noticed that I have been very worn down, run ragged, and the worst is still coming. There's this feeling of impending doom that has completely enveloped where I work, and the attitudes of those around me have come to reflect it. It is in this time I feel like people need my joyfulness. It is where joy is going to shine because it has become such a dark place. The beautiful thing about joy is that I know it does not come from me, it comes from the heavenly Father. He loves His people so much, and He wants to give them joy. I look into the faces of my co-workers, and I have to remind myself that they are Christ. They too deserve heaven not based on merit but based on the sheer love the Father has for them. If the Father can love them, I can too.
I have to be more intentional. Meaning I must pray for the graces, when I get mad or hurt or annoyed I must look into their faces and remember Christ within them before I can move on. The other me, the former life did not have to be intentional. Whenever I did not have joy I had someone around me who did and that was enough to continue hope. But here in this place, being intentional and seeking Christ in the person is what I must do.
And it's funny, once this occurred to me I realized how easy I had it. How little I was offering God. Praise Him that He has given me the chance to grow, and the mercy for when I make mistakes.
I am head over heels in love with Christ. Here He has made Himself so tangibly present. I remember I used to sit in the chapel for hours wanting to feel something, feeling like I could do more, praying for God to take hold of my heart, and He did. He simply did for it is here He has become so tangibly present I cannot deny it any longer. And the more real He becomes the more I realized all these gifts I thought I had (bring joy, being charitable, etc) they were never my gifts. They were always His, and He chooses how He wants them manifested (whether I get in the way or not). It was never me all along, and it was when I realized that fact that I could fully love Christ and let go of this need to be something bigger. For it is always in Christ that things live and move and have their being.
It is here in this place where I've wallowed in my loneliness, wondering if I would ever feel home again that I lift my eyes towards heaven and realize just how weak I am, and just how strong and loving He is. He is the one at work, I just have to stay back, say yes, and fall in love.
