The anti-climatic post

So I've been here for a little over a month. I must say, I had this idea of grandeur in my head of what military nursing would be like, and it's been well...anti-climatic.

I had these ideas of blown limbs, crush injuries, you know gory gory stuff...and most of all, souls begging to be healed. I thought it would be something like this:

Although I'm not a priest, but you get the idea. Healing and bringing souls to Christ in their most desperate situations.

What I've found it to be is a whole lot of paperwork, training, and computer modules (all of these being very lame in my human head). What I thought was going to be an adventure has turned into ordinary and mundane tasks. The souls I work with are not even interested in Christ or healing...but rather getting through another day. Nothing "exciting" seems to be going on.

But in spite of it all, I feel very spiritually at peace. There's more silence, and life seems to be moving at a slower pace than I expected it to, and it's kind of nice. It's like God breathing soft love into my heart as he presses pause on the world. He's taking my anxiety and fears so that I may truly trust. Maybe I don't do the best job of just relaxing, but it's become a start.But I pray that when the time comes for me to walk to the broken and bloody person thrown from their vehicle, I may be the hands and feet that offer them the consolations of heaven.

So I'm waiting to see how exactly all these things will shape me into the person Christ is asking me to be. How will I fit into His plan, how will I get into heaven? How are these ordinary mundane tasks and checklists going to get me to heaven? How do you get people to start living their lives to their fullest potential and not merely getting by passively?

On a bright note my post finally has a priest after a 3-month absence. I guess I can leave the soul healing to him and finish my paperwork.

And for those looking for good music here's my suggestion:
http://www.mariemiller.net/
We're never alone!

The Immaculate Conception

of our Blessed Mother...
...That is what today's feast is. I go back and forth on Mary. I understand why to revere her, but I'm not sure if I do revere her. Today I finally had the epiphany of why.

You see Mary and Eve are pretty much the same person, just doppelgangers of sorts. Both were borne out of God's love, and their souls were stainless. Neither had original sin. Both had a choice to make that would affect the whole world.

Eve's choice is the reason we humans struggle in our humanity. Why we can never seem to do anything right. Why we are so entrapped in our culture and believe the lies of Satan. It's why, try as we might, holiness seems so out of reach, and saints are just awesome people we'll never be.

Now Mary's choice was the antithesis of Eve's choice. While Eve brought sin into the world, Mary's choice was the one that took it out. She presents the feminine way of loving the world, and how to live out the graces of perpetual baptism.

Both the choices of these women were made without original sin. But we see how one condemns while the other redeems.

This is why, as a female, it is important to emulate Mary. She is the reason we can have hope. She brought to us holy humanity with which we can find our path to holiness. She brings us to her son: "Do whatever he tells you". She outright says how we can be holy "Fiat mihi secundum Verbum Tuum-Be it done unto me according to thy word".

So the difference between these two sinless women is their choice.

Their CHOICE

We make choices everyday, but the choice we need to make is the FIAT. When you realize the gravity of choice, you realize the power God has endowed you with...free will. So as you make your choice, remember Mary's...FIAT

More on True Leadership?

Mark 12:41-44

Jesus sat down opposite the treasury

and observed how the crowd put money into the treasury.

Many rich people put in large sums.

A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents.

Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them,

"Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in more

than all the other contributors to the treasury.

For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth,

but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had,

her whole livelihood.

What is true religion and devotion to God? Jesus warns his disciples against the wrong kind of religion. In his denunciation of the scribes (the religious experts of his day), he warns against three things: the desire for prominence rather than selfless service; the desire for deference and recognition (and seeking esteem from others) rather than seeking to promote the good of others through humble service and love; and thirdly, attempting to use one’s position (even a religious position) for self-gain and self-advancement. True religion is relating rightly to God and to one’s neighbor with love, honor, and respect. The Lord puts his Holy Spirit within us that we may be filled with the joy of his presence, the joy of true worship, and the joy of selfless giving and love for others. True reverence for God frees the heart to give liberally, both to God and to neighbor.-Don Schwager, dailyreadings.net

Although I've been out of nursing practice because of so much military training, this is what I desire so deeply. I want to give myself selflessly to my patients. I want to be their Christ on earth. I like this reflection on this reading because it's such a military reading. So many high ranking officers only use their rank for more prominence instead of the selfless service that is supposed to be instilled within their values. Time and time again we see people who fail to live up to their potential all because they failed to recognize their greatness does not come from them but from their Creator. They failed to recognize their neighbor that needs their leadership not their rank. They are a leader for others, not for self gain or money or pride.

"the formation does not exist for you, you exist for the formation"

"True reverence for God frees the heart to give liberally, both to God and to neighbor"

So free your heart!

the Answer I May Never Have

What is holiness?
How do I be holy in this life?
Does it exist this side of heaven?
I look into the eyes of Mother Theresa

Because to me, she's the epitome of what holiness is in this life. I look into her eyes, and I wonder how she did it.

Or JP2...oh how I love that man.

He was a shining example of how to love the Church, love the world in it's brokenness  and how to keep one's eyes heavenward. 

For me, these are the modern day saints that lived in my lifetime. They loved Jesus so deeply that nothing really stood in the way of it. Not war, not disease, not communism, not antisemitism, not Nazism, and not fear.

For the rest of us, fear drives what we do in situations. I recently was talking to a dear friend of mine who asked me if I ever felt guilty. Guilty about the blessings God has bestowed upon my life, and the profound responsibility that entails. It's quite the question to ponder...what do we do with God's blessings. How do we hand it on to the poor, the shouls who don't know God, or worst yet the souls who have stopped caring about life in general. 

I think being poor is such an easier path to holiness. It means truly relying on God for every single thing: food, clothing, and shelter. These are things I do not have to think about. I've moved into a plush apartment, I don't worry about where my next meal is coming from, nor do I worry about having clothes to keep me warm. The poor do not have this luxury, so how am I supposed to react to that. What are my responsibilities as a person who desperately wants to be holy. 

In the end, I know I could always be doing more, but I am just so apathetic most of the time. I let my earthly responsibilities take over my heavenly responsibilities. 

“Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it.”“Well, why don’t you ask Him?”“Because I’m afraid He would ask me the same question.”(Anonymous)

This is me, I've stopped asking questions because I know I am not doing anything. It's the question I don't have the answers to yet. Why do I have so many blessings? What am I supposed to do with them? Can I/will I be holy? What are my responsibilities to my Father?

Oh Lord make me an instrument...