I contemplate a lot about where I am and where I am going. I think of all the Lord has done, and I am so anxious to see what He will be doing in my life. I want people to know who I belong to, and I think about how one distinguishes that they are a part of something so much larger than themselves.
I think about my formation time in nursing school...the many many years that flew by so quickly. I think about how the formation we (as the students) received there would become a foundation so much larger than we could know at the time. I think of how I stayed up all night late, drank many gallons of coffee, and had constantly greasy hair paired with bags underneath my eyes. But that's not really what demonstrated my oneness with being a nurse. It was patch on my shoulder. Every nursing school required white scrubs, but it was the patch on the should that stated specifically what nursing school one attended, and it proved my place within that organization.
And now, I've traded that in for a much more considerable patch-a military unit patch on my left shoulder. It signifies what words could never describe:
It's something larger than myself, and I wouldn't want it any less. It represents countless hours sacrificed, many patched wounds, training, and a mother's tears. It's built on sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters. And in my everyday struggle for holiness I need to remember what that patch on my shoulder means. Because it's not about me, and my frustrations, but about a nation that was built on "God we trust". Broken though it may be this side of heaven, it represents a larger part of humanity that desperately needs grace. May God shed His grace on thee, and mend thy every flaw.
A struggle I've had off and on for my entire life awhile is holiness on this side of heaven. What does it mean to be holy? Sin is so shiny and so distracting in all the ways my soul wants to be distracted, and Lord knows I will chase the shiny object. That is why religious life seems so appealing.
When you fall in love with Jesus in a way you fall in love with a spouse...you just want to give everything you have. Your soul wants constant communion with the Savior.
I loved everything about religious life: faithful daily prayer at specified times (no ifs, ands, or buts), daily Mass, didn't have to worry about what to wear, how to spend your money, etc etc The list really does go on and on.
Well, sadly, like so many others, I was not called to religious life-or rather it just didn't work out. I am getting married in 30 days, and things are so scary. They're scary because I am not sure I know how to be holy in this world. It's a constant fight for daily prayer (via my own acedia and tiredness), daily Mass is nonexistent (umm hello http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/10/04/catholic-priests-in-military-face-arrest-for-celebrating-mass/), and I own too many clothes.
The issue of money seems to be one forefront. Jesus loved the poor so much-"blessed are they the kingdom of heaven is theirs". How do I be poor? I am an officer in the US military, there are certain things that are expected of me. I can't just sell all I have to follow Jesus, and if I did where would I go? I am about to be married, I have a spouse to think about as well.
It's a whole lot of discernment as far as what is right and what is wrong when it comes to monetary issues. The poor have it easy in this regards-all their trust is in God because where else do they have to go? When you have money it's so easy to make it your God. Money=increased choices. Holiness=the right choice.When you have tons of options, holiness is harder to find, you have to wade through all the choices to unearth the right one that seems to get lost in all the mess. A great example is food, the poor can't be picky in their choices, they'll take what they can get, having faith that God will provide. Whereas when you have money, you can pick the food you want, leaving you susceptible to the sin of gluttony and excess.
It's really like that with ALL MATERIAL OBJECTS. Gluttony and excess are seen in every material object: internet, cell phone, TV, clothes, tools, furniture, cars, etc etc. Our society tells us more and bigger is always better, and the chorus is repeated so much it's oftentimes the only thing playing in my head. So I follow it til I am piled so high with junk I don't need and clothes I don't wear that I remember the cross and what was bought with it.
I pause
I recollect
and I pray for God's mercy in my spoiled situation because it's literally all I have to rely on. Mercy for being so distracted, mercy for owning so much that I truly do not need (but think I do), and mercy for forgetting my prayers in all my distractions.
I wonder how it will ever get better? I am entering married life not religious life, causing me to become more susceptible to these sins. My very weak and distracted soul cannot always handle the grandeur and strong side of this world's promise of gluttony=happiness.
In these tumultuous times, great saints are made. I just pray I am one of them. That the shiny object distracting me is Jesus, and this strong acedia found in my heart is rooted out by the tree of the cross.
