Life is crazy busy, I get married in 4 days...and it just seems so bizarre.
I knew I'd hate it if I didn't do a little interior reflection before I set off into a sacrament, a sacrament so beautiful and so wonderful I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. I guess that's why it's a sacrament though, the grace is always there to make manifest the glory of God, we just have to be open to receiving it.
The thing I want most is to become a saint. I want to live in the glory of God...FOREVER! There's a hole, so big inside me, only heaven can fill it.
And sure I get distracted in sin: music, TV, sleep (or lack thereof), shiny objects...etc etc But all those things are only because I'm looking for the forever of heaven.
And this sacrament I am about to enter into with another human being (just as weak, just as distracted as I am) is so scary. Scary because it's a whole other soul we're being held accountable for with the possibility of more souls being added (through the grace of the sacrament of course), which is so much bigger than ourselves. Luckily though, we're partners in the fight against the culture and sin, and these souls we raise together while keeping each other accountable.
And it's funny, I always thought of God as my partner, but when one got added it made it more Trinitarian....and I like that, it fits.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Let Us Make Haste to Our Brethren Who are Waiting for Us.
A Sermon by St Bernard
"Come, brothers, let us at length spur ourselves on. We must rise again with Christ, we must seek the world which is above and set our mind on the things of heaven. Let us long for those who are longing for us, hasten to those who are waiting for us, and ask those who look for our coming to intercede for us. We should not only want to be with the saints, we should also hope to possess their happiness. While we desire to be in their company, we must also earnestly seek to share in their glory. Do not imagine that there is anything harmful in such an ambition as this; there is no danger in setting our hearts on such glory."
I just love the imagery of the saints longing for us, wanting us to join them in heaven. It's just so beautiful. When you know the love of Christ, of course you'll want to share it with others because it's a kind of love that meant to be shared.
I got a phone call today that someone who worked on my hospital floor has died. It is an extremely sad situation because she leave behind 3 children and a husband who loved her very much. When I got the news, I was so happy for her. She will be released of the burning curiosity that holds so many of us back from trusting.
And who wouldn't want to die on the feast of all Saints?! Every prayer warrior in heaven I feel like is open armed to accept souls today, what a day to die! They long for us to join Him who loved us first, gave His life for us, and has continually offered Himself as sacrifice on our altars throughout the world. He sits in the tabernacle, waiting for us, longing for us, and heaven is filled with just as much longing for the us to join the glory.
This feast of all Saints is meant to out that desire for heaven in our hearts. When we think of Christ, do not our hearts burn within us? So on this day let us pray for those being released into heaven to share in the glory, and ask for the intercession of those already there. Let us make haste to our brethren who are waiting for us.
"Come, brothers, let us at length spur ourselves on. We must rise again with Christ, we must seek the world which is above and set our mind on the things of heaven. Let us long for those who are longing for us, hasten to those who are waiting for us, and ask those who look for our coming to intercede for us. We should not only want to be with the saints, we should also hope to possess their happiness. While we desire to be in their company, we must also earnestly seek to share in their glory. Do not imagine that there is anything harmful in such an ambition as this; there is no danger in setting our hearts on such glory."
I just love the imagery of the saints longing for us, wanting us to join them in heaven. It's just so beautiful. When you know the love of Christ, of course you'll want to share it with others because it's a kind of love that meant to be shared.
I got a phone call today that someone who worked on my hospital floor has died. It is an extremely sad situation because she leave behind 3 children and a husband who loved her very much. When I got the news, I was so happy for her. She will be released of the burning curiosity that holds so many of us back from trusting.
And who wouldn't want to die on the feast of all Saints?! Every prayer warrior in heaven I feel like is open armed to accept souls today, what a day to die! They long for us to join Him who loved us first, gave His life for us, and has continually offered Himself as sacrifice on our altars throughout the world. He sits in the tabernacle, waiting for us, longing for us, and heaven is filled with just as much longing for the us to join the glory.
This feast of all Saints is meant to out that desire for heaven in our hearts. When we think of Christ, do not our hearts burn within us? So on this day let us pray for those being released into heaven to share in the glory, and ask for the intercession of those already there. Let us make haste to our brethren who are waiting for us.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The Patch on my Shoulder
I contemplate a lot about where I am and where I am going. I think of all the Lord has done, and I am so anxious to see what He will be doing in my life. I want people to know who I belong to, and I think about how one distinguishes that they are a part of something so much larger than themselves.
I think about my formation time in nursing school...the many many years that flew by so quickly. I think about how the formation we (as the students) received there would become a foundation so much larger than we could know at the time. I think of how I stayed upall night late, drank many gallons of coffee, and had constantly greasy hair paired with bags underneath my eyes. But that's not really what demonstrated my oneness with being a nurse. It was patch on my shoulder. Every nursing school required white scrubs, but it was the patch on the should that stated specifically what nursing school one attended, and it proved my place within that organization.
And now, I've traded that in for a much more considerable patch-a military unit patch on my left shoulder. It signifies what words could never describe:
I think about my formation time in nursing school...the many many years that flew by so quickly. I think about how the formation we (as the students) received there would become a foundation so much larger than we could know at the time. I think of how I stayed up
And now, I've traded that in for a much more considerable patch-a military unit patch on my left shoulder. It signifies what words could never describe:
It's something larger than myself, and I wouldn't want it any less. It represents countless hours sacrificed, many patched wounds, training, and a mother's tears. It's built on sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters. And in my everyday struggle for holiness I need to remember what that patch on my shoulder means. Because it's not about me, and my frustrations, but about a nation that was built on "God we trust". Broken though it may be this side of heaven, it represents a larger part of humanity that desperately needs grace. May God shed His grace on thee, and mend thy every flaw.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Gluttony and Excess
A struggle I've had off and on for my entire life awhile is holiness on this side of heaven. What does it mean to be holy? Sin is so shiny and so distracting in all the ways my soul wants to be distracted, and Lord knows I will chase the shiny object. That is why religious life seems so appealing.
When you fall in love with Jesus in a way you fall in love with a spouse...you just want to give everything you have. Your soul wants constant communion with the Savior.
I loved everything about religious life: faithful daily prayer at specified times (no ifs, ands, or buts), daily Mass, didn't have to worry about what to wear, how to spend your money, etc etc The list really does go on and on.
Well, sadly, like so many others, I was not called to religious life-or rather it just didn't work out. I am getting married in 30 days, and things are so scary. They're scary because I am not sure I know how to be holy in this world. It's a constant fight for daily prayer (via my own acedia and tiredness), daily Mass is nonexistent (umm hello http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/10/04/catholic-priests-in-military-face-arrest-for-celebrating-mass/), and I own too many clothes.
The issue of money seems to be one forefront. Jesus loved the poor so much-"blessed are they the kingdom of heaven is theirs". How do I be poor? I am an officer in the US military, there are certain things that are expected of me. I can't just sell all I have to follow Jesus, and if I did where would I go? I am about to be married, I have a spouse to think about as well.
It's a whole lot of discernment as far as what is right and what is wrong when it comes to monetary issues. The poor have it easy in this regards-all their trust is in God because where else do they have to go? When you have money it's so easy to make it your God. Money=increased choices. Holiness=the right choice.When you have tons of options, holiness is harder to find, you have to wade through all the choices to unearth the right one that seems to get lost in all the mess. A great example is food, the poor can't be picky in their choices, they'll take what they can get, having faith that God will provide. Whereas when you have money, you can pick the food you want, leaving you susceptible to the sin of gluttony and excess.
It's really like that with ALL MATERIAL OBJECTS. Gluttony and excess are seen in every material object: internet, cell phone, TV, clothes, tools, furniture, cars, etc etc. Our society tells us more and bigger is always better, and the chorus is repeated so much it's oftentimes the only thing playing in my head. So I follow it til I am piled so high with junk I don't need and clothes I don't wear that I remember the cross and what was bought with it.
I pause
I recollect
and I pray for God's mercy in my spoiled situation because it's literally all I have to rely on. Mercy for being so distracted, mercy for owning so much that I truly do not need (but think I do), and mercy for forgetting my prayers in all my distractions.
I wonder how it will ever get better? I am entering married life not religious life, causing me to become more susceptible to these sins. My very weak and distracted soul cannot always handle the grandeur and strong side of this world's promise of gluttony=happiness.
In these tumultuous times, great saints are made. I just pray I am one of them. That the shiny object distracting me is Jesus, and this strong acedia found in my heart is rooted out by the tree of the cross.
Gave mercy on our souls O Lord, have mercy.
When you fall in love with Jesus in a way you fall in love with a spouse...you just want to give everything you have. Your soul wants constant communion with the Savior.
I loved everything about religious life: faithful daily prayer at specified times (no ifs, ands, or buts), daily Mass, didn't have to worry about what to wear, how to spend your money, etc etc The list really does go on and on.
Well, sadly, like so many others, I was not called to religious life-or rather it just didn't work out. I am getting married in 30 days, and things are so scary. They're scary because I am not sure I know how to be holy in this world. It's a constant fight for daily prayer (via my own acedia and tiredness), daily Mass is nonexistent (umm hello http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/10/04/catholic-priests-in-military-face-arrest-for-celebrating-mass/), and I own too many clothes.
The issue of money seems to be one forefront. Jesus loved the poor so much-"blessed are they the kingdom of heaven is theirs". How do I be poor? I am an officer in the US military, there are certain things that are expected of me. I can't just sell all I have to follow Jesus, and if I did where would I go? I am about to be married, I have a spouse to think about as well.
It's a whole lot of discernment as far as what is right and what is wrong when it comes to monetary issues. The poor have it easy in this regards-all their trust is in God because where else do they have to go? When you have money it's so easy to make it your God. Money=increased choices. Holiness=the right choice.When you have tons of options, holiness is harder to find, you have to wade through all the choices to unearth the right one that seems to get lost in all the mess. A great example is food, the poor can't be picky in their choices, they'll take what they can get, having faith that God will provide. Whereas when you have money, you can pick the food you want, leaving you susceptible to the sin of gluttony and excess.
It's really like that with ALL MATERIAL OBJECTS. Gluttony and excess are seen in every material object: internet, cell phone, TV, clothes, tools, furniture, cars, etc etc. Our society tells us more and bigger is always better, and the chorus is repeated so much it's oftentimes the only thing playing in my head. So I follow it til I am piled so high with junk I don't need and clothes I don't wear that I remember the cross and what was bought with it.
I pause
I recollect
and I pray for God's mercy in my spoiled situation because it's literally all I have to rely on. Mercy for being so distracted, mercy for owning so much that I truly do not need (but think I do), and mercy for forgetting my prayers in all my distractions.
I wonder how it will ever get better? I am entering married life not religious life, causing me to become more susceptible to these sins. My very weak and distracted soul cannot always handle the grandeur and strong side of this world's promise of gluttony=happiness.
In these tumultuous times, great saints are made. I just pray I am one of them. That the shiny object distracting me is Jesus, and this strong acedia found in my heart is rooted out by the tree of the cross.
Gave mercy on our souls O Lord, have mercy.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Our Very Hearts
First off, Happy Feast of St Monica (mother to St. Augustine)-praying for her intercession in my current and future family.
There's poison about in my work.
I guess that's what happens when you work with human life so closely, things get petty because to see things as they actually are is not easy.
Gossip, it's been a killer to my soul lately. It happens all around me and from my very mouth as well. The "Pick a little talk a little" song from the Music Man is the anthem to my floor. Pick pick pick all day long. Not something I super mind IF it's being done in a charitable way. A way that builds someone up, not tear someone down. Sadly, not the case. I start my shift with every good intention of being my chipper joyful self, only to find the coworkers before had every intention of tearing me down. Dreadful, but hey, it happens. So it started off my day bad to which my day ended as well. I don't mind criticism, but when it's done as a personal attack against my character (whether intentional or not) yeah...I take it personal.
So it's hard when I brought this up to a coworker about intentionality and being charitable when we're correcting each other (again, we deal with human life when it's vulnerable so we do need to he HELPING each other be better). This coworker's reply: "well you should start with night shift".
Well great comebacks always come later for me when I've had time to think. My comeback (could I live it all over) "No, actually change begins with our very selves". You can't change anyone but yourself. Victor Frankl has the best quotes about this:
So...what's the destiny you choose?
There's poison about in my work.
I guess that's what happens when you work with human life so closely, things get petty because to see things as they actually are is not easy.
Gossip, it's been a killer to my soul lately. It happens all around me and from my very mouth as well. The "Pick a little talk a little" song from the Music Man is the anthem to my floor. Pick pick pick all day long. Not something I super mind IF it's being done in a charitable way. A way that builds someone up, not tear someone down. Sadly, not the case. I start my shift with every good intention of being my chipper joyful self, only to find the coworkers before had every intention of tearing me down. Dreadful, but hey, it happens. So it started off my day bad to which my day ended as well. I don't mind criticism, but when it's done as a personal attack against my character (whether intentional or not) yeah...I take it personal.
So it's hard when I brought this up to a coworker about intentionality and being charitable when we're correcting each other (again, we deal with human life when it's vulnerable so we do need to he HELPING each other be better). This coworker's reply: "well you should start with night shift".
Well great comebacks always come later for me when I've had time to think. My comeback (could I live it all over) "No, actually change begins with our very selves". You can't change anyone but yourself. Victor Frankl has the best quotes about this:
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
This man should know, he lived in one of history's darkest times, the Holocaust. He found a way to be happy, he found a way to reflect on this same human condition in which I am reflecting.
And then there's the frivolous things that get talked about (when coworkers aren't the ones being bad mouthed). I mean this: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/26/offensive-absurd-and-pornographic-on-mtv-you-say-i-cant-believe-it/ (kudos to my fiance for showing me this).
This Matt guy has a point, we have brought this culture on ourselves by the choices we make. Choices that begin in our very heart. My coworker's reaction "man, she's not even hot what makes her think she can dance like that?!" Well, not the reaction I was hoping for, my fiance says it best when "someone's looks don't determine the moral right, if it's wrong it wrong. Physical attributes don't give a person license to be crude".
Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
So...what's the destiny you choose?
yup...annoying isn't it
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The Recurring Problem of my Life
It's that whole being stuck in the middle "looking back for inspiration looking forward for motivation" type of deal. I've never been good about making a choice, I've been good about holding onto a choice already made. I don't like making choices because what if I make the wrong one.
For example, I wanted to be a religious sister but I never want to make a choice that would be permanence to that longing. Once I made a choice to be open about it, I got labeled, and God change my heart (slowly and quickly all at the same time, it was weird). And of course I'm going through the whole "I hope I'm making the right decision" debate in my head...because it is a sacrament and it will bring permanence.
So looking back, I miss my life so much. I miss who I was, what I felt. I miss being blessed when I come into work, I miss the feeling that my work somehow has meaning beyond myself. I miss my roommates who filled my life with such JOY! Who loved me when I was most unlovable, who cuddled when I needed physical touch, and people who I didn't need to explain myself. I could simply be and that would be enough. I miss compline at the motherhouse where 200+ nuns would chant the psalms, and that was a little dash of heaven any night I wanted to go.
Now we have the present...I think for me it's been the hardest place to be. People don't like my cheerful attitude they think me weird. It's a constant struggle to explain who I am, what I'm made of, why I am joyful. There are no religious, and I'm so busy that I can't take the time I usually have to go pray with them every night. There's no roommates here, just the own voices inside my head. I get calls from former roommates, and I feel like things are falling apart. I am supposed to be getting married, but my fiance and I haven't lived in the same states in over a year. I feel so very separated even from him. Mostly, there's this God-sized hole with where I wish my life where and where it actually is. Sometimes it's filled, but most of the time it's lonely.
Then I look to the future and there's two things: doom/gloom or the brightest hope in the world. The doom/gloom part is how hard it's going to be to raise little saints in this future world. The brightest part will be their smiles, and seeing them become their own. When I think of the future this poem always comes to mind, it's George Gray by Edgar Lee Masters:
For example, I wanted to be a religious sister but I never want to make a choice that would be permanence to that longing. Once I made a choice to be open about it, I got labeled, and God change my heart (slowly and quickly all at the same time, it was weird). And of course I'm going through the whole "I hope I'm making the right decision" debate in my head...because it is a sacrament and it will bring permanence.
So looking back, I miss my life so much. I miss who I was, what I felt. I miss being blessed when I come into work, I miss the feeling that my work somehow has meaning beyond myself. I miss my roommates who filled my life with such JOY! Who loved me when I was most unlovable, who cuddled when I needed physical touch, and people who I didn't need to explain myself. I could simply be and that would be enough. I miss compline at the motherhouse where 200+ nuns would chant the psalms, and that was a little dash of heaven any night I wanted to go.
Now we have the present...I think for me it's been the hardest place to be. People don't like my cheerful attitude they think me weird. It's a constant struggle to explain who I am, what I'm made of, why I am joyful. There are no religious, and I'm so busy that I can't take the time I usually have to go pray with them every night. There's no roommates here, just the own voices inside my head. I get calls from former roommates, and I feel like things are falling apart. I am supposed to be getting married, but my fiance and I haven't lived in the same states in over a year. I feel so very separated even from him. Mostly, there's this God-sized hole with where I wish my life where and where it actually is. Sometimes it's filled, but most of the time it's lonely.
Then I look to the future and there's two things: doom/gloom or the brightest hope in the world. The doom/gloom part is how hard it's going to be to raise little saints in this future world. The brightest part will be their smiles, and seeing them become their own. When I think of the future this poem always comes to mind, it's George Gray by Edgar Lee Masters:
I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me --
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire --
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.
This guy is looking at his tombstone wondering how he put meaning, how he made his mark only to realized he had missed all his chances. I dread this someday happening to me; for life without meaning is torture. When I look into the future I see God somehow, in His own way (through prayer and following Him) putting that meaning there in a way I never expected. This is what my boat longs for, to be tossed in the waves of God's ocean.
And that's the deal about making choices, you just gotta do it! It's figure out your choices, pray, and do! We can't sit forever on our choices, we can't let our boat sit in the harbor waiting for the "perfect day" or else the opportunity can be lost in time, and boats were not made for sitting in harbors. I may not know the future, but it is for God to know and me to make the choice. And even though I dread making the wrong choice, I trust that God will have guided me through it. My sails, His winds.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Why I Love my Papa Francisco
Because he loves how I pray to love:
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/07/29/what-pope-francis-really-said-about-gays-and-no-it-not-new/
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/7-things-you-need-to-know-about-what-pope-francis-said-about-gays
and because I love her: http://thismamaneedscoffee.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-church-for-gay-people.html
He's teaching us, his people, his Church how to love as Christ loves, without limits.
I don't believe something is truth just because the Church teaches it, the church teaches it because it's true. A moral conscience that is not erroneous will follow a natural order...because it's natural. It's what the soul wants for it's own sake.
There was one line in the gospel reading today that really struck me: Aaron replied, “Let not my lord be angry.You know well enough how prone the people are to evil.
You know well enough how prone the people are to evil.
It's true, we sin everyday. The sins that another commits are no different from the sins I commit. they arise from a conscience that has gone astray and needs the Shepherd to bring back.
I love Papa Francisco because he's bringing us back. Back to the one who loves us, and forgave our sins before we even committed them.
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/07/29/what-pope-francis-really-said-about-gays-and-no-it-not-new/
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/7-things-you-need-to-know-about-what-pope-francis-said-about-gays
and because I love her: http://thismamaneedscoffee.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-church-for-gay-people.html
He's teaching us, his people, his Church how to love as Christ loves, without limits.
I don't believe something is truth just because the Church teaches it, the church teaches it because it's true. A moral conscience that is not erroneous will follow a natural order...because it's natural. It's what the soul wants for it's own sake.
There was one line in the gospel reading today that really struck me: Aaron replied, “Let not my lord be angry.You know well enough how prone the people are to evil.
You know well enough how prone the people are to evil.
It's true, we sin everyday. The sins that another commits are no different from the sins I commit. they arise from a conscience that has gone astray and needs the Shepherd to bring back.
I love Papa Francisco because he's bringing us back. Back to the one who loves us, and forgave our sins before we even committed them.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Celebrating Joy
Feeling many blessings in my life right about now.
I got to witness the beautiful sacrament of marriage between two people who strive daily for Christ. It was such a wonderful experience to be there as they gave their lives to one another in Christ.
I met this girl when I was only a freshman in college and really just struggling with how I was supposed to love Christ and His church. I met this girl at a bible study, and she had a heart of gold. Some people, you meet them and your life is better for knowing them. Well after she graduated she moved away, and we weren't close enough for me to keep in contact with.
As luck would have it I had the blessing of being her roommate for a whole year and a half before I got moved. She had moved back basically to pursue this relationship and see what Christ had planned. It was great to be in the house and witness the great love her and this man shared and how it grew.
They married this past weekend, and I wish them all the spiritual blessings granted through the sacrament. What made it so beautiful was watching the fruition of each person saying yes to the other in Christ.
A priest friend of mine blogged about it as well: http://frbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-life-is-passing-in-front-of-me.html. He says it perfectly when he reflects that they know the Lord Jesus and they live Him-their goodness and faithfulness attracts others.
The whole process was so beautiful because it was two people living out the love and life of the Church in one another. Two people so deserving of a lifetime of happiness. It was so great to see them and everyone else from my Nashville life. It's a love that is far greater than us and our community. For us to be together to celebrate the joy of these two people was just many blessings beyond our understanding.
-Striving to live the faith fully!
I got to witness the beautiful sacrament of marriage between two people who strive daily for Christ. It was such a wonderful experience to be there as they gave their lives to one another in Christ.
I met this girl when I was only a freshman in college and really just struggling with how I was supposed to love Christ and His church. I met this girl at a bible study, and she had a heart of gold. Some people, you meet them and your life is better for knowing them. Well after she graduated she moved away, and we weren't close enough for me to keep in contact with.
As luck would have it I had the blessing of being her roommate for a whole year and a half before I got moved. She had moved back basically to pursue this relationship and see what Christ had planned. It was great to be in the house and witness the great love her and this man shared and how it grew.
They married this past weekend, and I wish them all the spiritual blessings granted through the sacrament. What made it so beautiful was watching the fruition of each person saying yes to the other in Christ.
A priest friend of mine blogged about it as well: http://frbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-life-is-passing-in-front-of-me.html. He says it perfectly when he reflects that they know the Lord Jesus and they live Him-their goodness and faithfulness attracts others.
The whole process was so beautiful because it was two people living out the love and life of the Church in one another. Two people so deserving of a lifetime of happiness. It was so great to see them and everyone else from my Nashville life. It's a love that is far greater than us and our community. For us to be together to celebrate the joy of these two people was just many blessings beyond our understanding.
-Striving to live the faith fully!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I Guess this is Life...Sexual License
Joannie says it perfectly the ways she puts it:
"I’m sick of complacency. WAKE UP, PEOPLE.
Eve is in the Garden. Adam is beside her. The devil is telling her that freedom is doing whatever the hell she wants it to do. And instead of saying, “No, actually, that’s Hell,” Adam is ignoring the whole exchange.
The devil is telling Eve that making it illegal to kill babies after they’re 20-weeks old is “anti-woman.” He’s telling her that passing a law so that abortion clinics need to have the same health standards as surgical centers (because last time I checked, that’s what pro-abortion advocates say happen there — “safe surgical procedures”) is “bad healthcare.”
And all Adam does is tweet his support for Eve and then pats himself on the back for being pro-woman.
We’re in the garden with the serpent. He’s lying. We’re buying it.
And no one seems to care" -http://joaninordinarytime.wordpress.com/
The devil is telling Eve that making it illegal to kill babies after they’re 20-weeks old is “anti-woman.” He’s telling her that passing a law so that abortion clinics need to have the same health standards as surgical centers (because last time I checked, that’s what pro-abortion advocates say happen there — “safe surgical procedures”) is “bad healthcare.”
And all Adam does is tweet his support for Eve and then pats himself on the back for being pro-woman.
We’re in the garden with the serpent. He’s lying. We’re buying it.
And no one seems to care" -http://joaninordinarytime.wordpress.com/
It's true, our nation has become spoiled when it comes to sexual licensing. We have fooled ourselves into thinking we are entitled to have sex whenever, wherever, and with whomever we please, just because we are physically able to. It doesn't make sense. We have an intellect and a will, we make choices, we have a conscience. Sexual licensing is borderline rape. Rape of ourselves, of that precious intellect and will we were given freely and rape of the other person to see them as an object of sexual pleasure.
Christopher West has the perfect analogy here. When you buy a car for the first time, the sticker on the gas tank says "diesel only". Why? Because the person who built the car knows the vehicle inside and out, he knows what makes it run best. You wouldn't look at that and say "hogwash, I'm putting unleaded in here". That would cause car troubles. The sticker isn't meant to limit your freedom, it's there to help your car run the way it's meant to. Same with God's plan, He sets up the moral life not to limit your freedom, but to bring you happiness.
If you're a parent, what do you do to protect your child who is play in the yard? You put a fence around the yard to keep the child safe. The fence is there for their protect not to limit them. True freedom isn't doing whatever you want. True freedom is to do whatever's good, whatever's keeping with the truth of humanity.
Man only finds Himself when he makes a sincere gift of himself (Matt 22:37-40). Adam could not make a sincere gift of himself to a raccoon or a pigeon. Lets go back to the garden, Adam is the first man ever created...there he is and he's alone. God has created all these beautiful things, the birds of the air, the animals on the ground....yet he is lonely. Why? Why is Adam different from the animals on the ground or the birds of the air? He is different from them, they weren't free to determine their own actions like Adam was.
Then God puts Adam to sleep and takes a rib from him. Well it's been explained to me that translation wise things have gotten kind of lost. "Deep sleep" would have been better translated into ecstasy. And for Jews bones signified the whole human being. So out of Adam's ecstasy God created a whole human being that Adam looked upon and knew...at last..it was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. Something he would give his life for.
This is why sexual licensing does not make sense. It is not ordered towards the good of the other, but rather a self desire that rises out of lust. It is not self-giving but taking and exploitation. It is the part of the garden when Eve eats the apple because selfishness arises out of her. The serpent promises that she will be like God if she eats of the tree. Little does Eve know she already was in the image of God, and loving like God, Satan was selling her something she already had. The lies that get told to us are exactly that...LIES. They are not there to bring us to heaven.
And I am sick of people buying the lies and telling me to believe them. That if I somehow don't think the same as them, if I don't see this new step as "equality", that if I don't conform...that I am somehow less of a person. That my opinion doesn't matter, that I need to shut up and let things go. That's not the way I operate. Freedom is NOT doing whatever the HELL I want. Freedom consists in doing the good, doing the better for society.
Christopher West has the perfect analogy here. When you buy a car for the first time, the sticker on the gas tank says "diesel only". Why? Because the person who built the car knows the vehicle inside and out, he knows what makes it run best. You wouldn't look at that and say "hogwash, I'm putting unleaded in here". That would cause car troubles. The sticker isn't meant to limit your freedom, it's there to help your car run the way it's meant to. Same with God's plan, He sets up the moral life not to limit your freedom, but to bring you happiness.
If you're a parent, what do you do to protect your child who is play in the yard? You put a fence around the yard to keep the child safe. The fence is there for their protect not to limit them. True freedom isn't doing whatever you want. True freedom is to do whatever's good, whatever's keeping with the truth of humanity.
Man only finds Himself when he makes a sincere gift of himself (Matt 22:37-40). Adam could not make a sincere gift of himself to a raccoon or a pigeon. Lets go back to the garden, Adam is the first man ever created...there he is and he's alone. God has created all these beautiful things, the birds of the air, the animals on the ground....yet he is lonely. Why? Why is Adam different from the animals on the ground or the birds of the air? He is different from them, they weren't free to determine their own actions like Adam was.
Then God puts Adam to sleep and takes a rib from him. Well it's been explained to me that translation wise things have gotten kind of lost. "Deep sleep" would have been better translated into ecstasy. And for Jews bones signified the whole human being. So out of Adam's ecstasy God created a whole human being that Adam looked upon and knew...at last..it was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. Something he would give his life for.
Adam looked at himself, and then looked at Eve. He realized his profound reality: "We go together, God made us for each other. I can give myself to you, and you can give yourself to me, and we can live in a life-giving communion of love"-the image of God's plan for marriage. This is why they were naked and felt no shame. There's no shame in loving as God loves, only the experience of joy, peace, and a deep knowledge of human goodness.
This is why sexual licensing does not make sense. It is not ordered towards the good of the other, but rather a self desire that rises out of lust. It is not self-giving but taking and exploitation. It is the part of the garden when Eve eats the apple because selfishness arises out of her. The serpent promises that she will be like God if she eats of the tree. Little does Eve know she already was in the image of God, and loving like God, Satan was selling her something she already had. The lies that get told to us are exactly that...LIES. They are not there to bring us to heaven.
And I am sick of people buying the lies and telling me to believe them. That if I somehow don't think the same as them, if I don't see this new step as "equality", that if I don't conform...that I am somehow less of a person. That my opinion doesn't matter, that I need to shut up and let things go. That's not the way I operate. Freedom is NOT doing whatever the HELL I want. Freedom consists in doing the good, doing the better for society.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Spiritual RESET
Sometimes I wish there was a reset button for my spiritual life. I could press it and be renewed, kind of like going to confession. You see there's a thing called acedia, or the "noontime devil" as the desert fathers referred to it. It's not as drastic as the "dark night of the soul", rather it's the little annoying occurrences throughout the day that rob you of faith. It's where you feel God, but you just don't care to act on faith and trust, and ask for grace in a situation. It fosters self-justification, casual judgmentalism of others, and leads down a path of pride.
The desert fathers referred to it as the noontime devil because at noon is when the sun is up and hot leaving one's energy drained. Knowledge of the world is of little use when in this state. Any kind of consolation found in the cool of the morning is nonexistent in the noontime heat.
Hence the reason I wish for a reset button on my spiritual life. So I can press it and be out of my acedic nature, have it bring me back to the cool morning I knew well and rejoiced in.
I've lately been realizing how acedic I've become through the beat-downs life has brought me. I have not lost faith, I've lacked luster in proclaiming it, rather it's become a task I must fulfill. *reset please*
But I guess that's the point of faith, we hope for something better. If we know not bad times, how would we know the good. Would the good mean anything to us had we not experienced the bad? We have to trust that change is within us, even if we feel stagnate. For when we feel that pull, we shall surely go for we don't want to be stagnate.
"if only you would say I CARE"
"I don't care"
-Pierre:A Cautionary Tale in 5 Chapters
Another temptation, to which presumption opens the gate, is acedia. The spiritual writers understand by this a form of depression due to lax ascetical practice, decreasing vigilance, carelessness of heart. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” The greater the height, the harder the fall. Painful as discouragement is, it is the reverse of presumption. The humble are not surprised by their distress; it leads them to trust more, to hold fast in constancy. -CCC2733
The desert fathers referred to it as the noontime devil because at noon is when the sun is up and hot leaving one's energy drained. Knowledge of the world is of little use when in this state. Any kind of consolation found in the cool of the morning is nonexistent in the noontime heat.
Hence the reason I wish for a reset button on my spiritual life. So I can press it and be out of my acedic nature, have it bring me back to the cool morning I knew well and rejoiced in.
I've lately been realizing how acedic I've become through the beat-downs life has brought me. I have not lost faith, I've lacked luster in proclaiming it, rather it's become a task I must fulfill. *reset please*
But I guess that's the point of faith, we hope for something better. If we know not bad times, how would we know the good. Would the good mean anything to us had we not experienced the bad? We have to trust that change is within us, even if we feel stagnate. For when we feel that pull, we shall surely go for we don't want to be stagnate.
"if only you would say I CARE"
"I don't care"
-Pierre:A Cautionary Tale in 5 Chapters
Another temptation, to which presumption opens the gate, is acedia. The spiritual writers understand by this a form of depression due to lax ascetical practice, decreasing vigilance, carelessness of heart. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” The greater the height, the harder the fall. Painful as discouragement is, it is the reverse of presumption. The humble are not surprised by their distress; it leads them to trust more, to hold fast in constancy. -CCC2733
Yup looking for a spiritual reset
Sunday, June 2, 2013
We Participated, We are Forgiven
This was an article I found written by Abby Johnson (former director of a Planned Parenthood). It goes as follows:
Note: Abby Johnson is a former director of a Planned Parenthood clinic who converted to the pro-life cause. She has since founded a ministry, And Then There Were None, which is dedicated to helping workers in abortion clinics transition out of the industry.
May 14, 2013 (LifeSiteNews.com) - I am vehemently against the death penalty. Now stay with me…this is not a post about my opinion regarding that. You can disagree or agree with me on that some other time. I did want to share a little bit about why I take the words of prolifers so seriously. I have heard so much vitriol spewed from the mouths of "Christian prolifers" since the Gosnell trial has concluded. I feel like I must address it.
When I was confirmed as a Catholic, I chose Mary Magdalene as my confirmation saint. I felt an immediate connection to her. She had sinned so much…and was forgiven in even greater amounts. She knew she didn’t deserve forgiveness…but she received it anyway. And because of this, she clung to Christ. She knew she was nothing without Him.
I have also done my fair share of sinning. And I have also been forgiven much more than I deserve. I abused and betrayed women in the worst possible way. I convinced them to kill their children. Did I slit the necks of children after they were born? No. But, I was an accomplice to murder. Thousands of times…women I knew, women I didn’t, my friends, even my family. I lied to people. I lied to women when they came to me for accurate information. I was among the worst sinners…those that help to take and destroy life. I am no better than Kermit Gosnell.
I took my own children’s lives…twice. Not because I was coerced. Not because I didn’t know better. But because I thought children would be an inconvenience to my lifestyle. I am responsible for their deaths…no one else.
So when someone talks about Gosnell and says things like, “murderers and people like him don’t deserve to breathe the same air as I do,” or "I hope he burns in hell," it hurts a little. Because that was me. But I am still here…breathing that same air…and trying to spend my life righting my wrongs. And it’s not just me. I know they hurt others like me, as well. People who have left the abortion industry and will work every day to recover from their sins. People who are still in the industry and think they will be shunned by the pro-life movement…maybe they would reach out to us if they knew we would accept them. I am always terrified that clinic workers will see some of the words from prolifers. I have been told by several former workers that they will never come forward with their stories because they are so scared of how they will be treated by us...by us...the supposed "Christian" movement. Their fears are real and legitimate.
I know some will say, “but you repented, that is the difference.” But what if I hadn’t…not yet. What if I was still inside the abortion industry? What if I was still an accomplice to murder? What if it took me longer to realize the truth? Do I deserve to die? Are we saying repentance is about our timing? Certainly, it is not about us. It about God and His perfect timing.
Right now, I shouldn’t be in this movement. I should be the COO of the 4th largest revenue generating Planned Parenthood affiliate in the country. I should be overseeing the largest abortion facility in the Western Hemisphere. I should be making six times the amount of money that I make in the pro-life movement. But I’m not. Why? Because of forgiveness. Because of mercy. Because of grace. Because of God. And because of real pro-lifers. The people I turned to accepted me for me...baggage and all. They knew that I was a broken person, and they loved me anyway. They knew I needed significant healing, and they helped to provide it.
I remember one story in particular which always makes me tear up when I think about it. One of the ladies, Karen, that immediately befriended me after I left Planned Parenthood, was asked a question by a reporter. He asked her, "So, what was Abby like before she became pro-life? I mean, how nasty was she?" Karen's answer was so genuine, and so Christ-like. She simply said, "I don't remember that person. She is a new creation in Christ. I won't talk about her past, I only want to talk about her future." Wow. What grace. What forgiveness. She could have really spilled the beans on me, but she chose not to. Why? Because she truly loved me...and she always had, even while I was working at Planned Parenthood. She always believed the best in me, always believed that my conversion would happen.
It was Christ who changed me. It was the merciful and compassionate words of His people. It was no condemnation. It was not prayers that I would burn in hell. It was not those who yelled and called me names. It was the words of people like Karen. Those who prayed that I would, one day, walk out of that clinic. Those who had constant faith...even when that faith was a struggle to have. I am here because of them and because of their Christ-like witness.
Don't we want that for every abortion clinic worker and abortion provider? Don't we want that for Kermit Gosnell? I smile every time I imagine his conversion. What a heavenly victory that will be! Can it happen? If you say no, then you do not know the God that I do. My God is in the business of miracles. And my God does not want anyone to suffer in hell. He wants all of his children to come to him...yes, even those of us "monsters" that are in or have been in the abortion industry.
Hate comes from hell. Mercy comes from Christ. When we have hate in our hearts, our spirits are damaged. Be careful with your words. Not only are you a living witness of Christ and His truth, but you could put your own soul at risk. "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." 1 John 3:15 When we hate, we are no better than those who kill.
I am not the sweetest person. I’m not the one who catches all the flies with honey…sometimes I am all vinegar. What do you expect? You expect the most tender-hearted to work in the abortion industry? Maybe we aren’t like all of you. Maybe we aren’t the most kind-hearted. Maybe you don't understand how we could do what we have done. But those of us that leave…we are fighters. We are willing to take hits for our former sins. We are willing to stand up in places that are uncomfortable. We are willing to be bruised by others because we know that we have to…we know that will be the price we pay…it just hurts more when the bruises come from those who should be rejoicing in our repentance. We are passionate. We don’t waste time beating around the bush…not when it comes to life…especially the lives that we helped take.
Those of us that have worked in the industry all live our lives with a constant burden. One that will not be free from us until we reach heaven. We can’t let our burden slide off of our shoulders, it is what keeps us on fire. It reminds us of why we fight so hard. We have seen death and evil in a way that most haven’t…and we participated. We are forgiven.
So, should I be able to “breathe the same air as you?” That’s not really up to me to decide. But if you say things like that, know that a small piece of our heart is broken, and I have to believe that it grieves Christ. But even if you break our hearts, we forgive you. Even if you bruise us, we forgive you. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. And we love a lot. I am eagerly awaiting the day when I can call Kermit Gosnell a former and REPENTANT abortion provider.
I think she writes beautifully about the power of forgiveness in the eyes of our Father.
Whether we're willing to admit it or not, we take a part in sin every day, with every breath we breathe. We are no better because we sin too, even if in a different way.
Pope Francis as well said even atheists can go to heaven, that is because we will never know the disposition of a person's heart based on what we see on this earth. Forgiveness is not open to our interpretation, it's open to God's love and mercy which is for everyone.
"...God did not make death, nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living."
-Wisdom 1:13
Note: Abby Johnson is a former director of a Planned Parenthood clinic who converted to the pro-life cause. She has since founded a ministry, And Then There Were None, which is dedicated to helping workers in abortion clinics transition out of the industry.
May 14, 2013 (LifeSiteNews.com) - I am vehemently against the death penalty. Now stay with me…this is not a post about my opinion regarding that. You can disagree or agree with me on that some other time. I did want to share a little bit about why I take the words of prolifers so seriously. I have heard so much vitriol spewed from the mouths of "Christian prolifers" since the Gosnell trial has concluded. I feel like I must address it.
When I was confirmed as a Catholic, I chose Mary Magdalene as my confirmation saint. I felt an immediate connection to her. She had sinned so much…and was forgiven in even greater amounts. She knew she didn’t deserve forgiveness…but she received it anyway. And because of this, she clung to Christ. She knew she was nothing without Him.
I have also done my fair share of sinning. And I have also been forgiven much more than I deserve. I abused and betrayed women in the worst possible way. I convinced them to kill their children. Did I slit the necks of children after they were born? No. But, I was an accomplice to murder. Thousands of times…women I knew, women I didn’t, my friends, even my family. I lied to people. I lied to women when they came to me for accurate information. I was among the worst sinners…those that help to take and destroy life. I am no better than Kermit Gosnell.
I took my own children’s lives…twice. Not because I was coerced. Not because I didn’t know better. But because I thought children would be an inconvenience to my lifestyle. I am responsible for their deaths…no one else.
So when someone talks about Gosnell and says things like, “murderers and people like him don’t deserve to breathe the same air as I do,” or "I hope he burns in hell," it hurts a little. Because that was me. But I am still here…breathing that same air…and trying to spend my life righting my wrongs. And it’s not just me. I know they hurt others like me, as well. People who have left the abortion industry and will work every day to recover from their sins. People who are still in the industry and think they will be shunned by the pro-life movement…maybe they would reach out to us if they knew we would accept them. I am always terrified that clinic workers will see some of the words from prolifers. I have been told by several former workers that they will never come forward with their stories because they are so scared of how they will be treated by us...by us...the supposed "Christian" movement. Their fears are real and legitimate.
I know some will say, “but you repented, that is the difference.” But what if I hadn’t…not yet. What if I was still inside the abortion industry? What if I was still an accomplice to murder? What if it took me longer to realize the truth? Do I deserve to die? Are we saying repentance is about our timing? Certainly, it is not about us. It about God and His perfect timing.
Right now, I shouldn’t be in this movement. I should be the COO of the 4th largest revenue generating Planned Parenthood affiliate in the country. I should be overseeing the largest abortion facility in the Western Hemisphere. I should be making six times the amount of money that I make in the pro-life movement. But I’m not. Why? Because of forgiveness. Because of mercy. Because of grace. Because of God. And because of real pro-lifers. The people I turned to accepted me for me...baggage and all. They knew that I was a broken person, and they loved me anyway. They knew I needed significant healing, and they helped to provide it.
I remember one story in particular which always makes me tear up when I think about it. One of the ladies, Karen, that immediately befriended me after I left Planned Parenthood, was asked a question by a reporter. He asked her, "So, what was Abby like before she became pro-life? I mean, how nasty was she?" Karen's answer was so genuine, and so Christ-like. She simply said, "I don't remember that person. She is a new creation in Christ. I won't talk about her past, I only want to talk about her future." Wow. What grace. What forgiveness. She could have really spilled the beans on me, but she chose not to. Why? Because she truly loved me...and she always had, even while I was working at Planned Parenthood. She always believed the best in me, always believed that my conversion would happen.
It was Christ who changed me. It was the merciful and compassionate words of His people. It was no condemnation. It was not prayers that I would burn in hell. It was not those who yelled and called me names. It was the words of people like Karen. Those who prayed that I would, one day, walk out of that clinic. Those who had constant faith...even when that faith was a struggle to have. I am here because of them and because of their Christ-like witness.
Don't we want that for every abortion clinic worker and abortion provider? Don't we want that for Kermit Gosnell? I smile every time I imagine his conversion. What a heavenly victory that will be! Can it happen? If you say no, then you do not know the God that I do. My God is in the business of miracles. And my God does not want anyone to suffer in hell. He wants all of his children to come to him...yes, even those of us "monsters" that are in or have been in the abortion industry.
Hate comes from hell. Mercy comes from Christ. When we have hate in our hearts, our spirits are damaged. Be careful with your words. Not only are you a living witness of Christ and His truth, but you could put your own soul at risk. "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." 1 John 3:15 When we hate, we are no better than those who kill.
I am not the sweetest person. I’m not the one who catches all the flies with honey…sometimes I am all vinegar. What do you expect? You expect the most tender-hearted to work in the abortion industry? Maybe we aren’t like all of you. Maybe we aren’t the most kind-hearted. Maybe you don't understand how we could do what we have done. But those of us that leave…we are fighters. We are willing to take hits for our former sins. We are willing to stand up in places that are uncomfortable. We are willing to be bruised by others because we know that we have to…we know that will be the price we pay…it just hurts more when the bruises come from those who should be rejoicing in our repentance. We are passionate. We don’t waste time beating around the bush…not when it comes to life…especially the lives that we helped take.
Those of us that have worked in the industry all live our lives with a constant burden. One that will not be free from us until we reach heaven. We can’t let our burden slide off of our shoulders, it is what keeps us on fire. It reminds us of why we fight so hard. We have seen death and evil in a way that most haven’t…and we participated. We are forgiven.
So, should I be able to “breathe the same air as you?” That’s not really up to me to decide. But if you say things like that, know that a small piece of our heart is broken, and I have to believe that it grieves Christ. But even if you break our hearts, we forgive you. Even if you bruise us, we forgive you. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. And we love a lot. I am eagerly awaiting the day when I can call Kermit Gosnell a former and REPENTANT abortion provider.
~~~~~~
I think she writes beautifully about the power of forgiveness in the eyes of our Father.
Whether we're willing to admit it or not, we take a part in sin every day, with every breath we breathe. We are no better because we sin too, even if in a different way.
Pope Francis as well said even atheists can go to heaven, that is because we will never know the disposition of a person's heart based on what we see on this earth. Forgiveness is not open to our interpretation, it's open to God's love and mercy which is for everyone.
"...God did not make death, nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living."
-Wisdom 1:13
Saturday, June 1, 2013
A View From the Son
It's a lens I wish I could see through, especially during this time right now. It's the perspective I wish I could see from at the moment in my life. To see what God's plan is, and why He does the things He does.
I've lost someone very dear to me, and not only did I lose them they suffered tremendously. It's hard to put into words the emptiness, extreme sadness, and the love into words. This person (from my perspective) was a saint. They prayed for everyone's salvation no matter their personal feelings. They put their love into actions. And when I had little faith, this person showed me in small loving ways the beauty that is Christ. When it came time for this person to suffer, they did so willingly, offering up anything for the kingdom and redemption of souls.
I am struggling because I never really showed this person what they meant to me. Long before I went to daily Mass, knew what adoration was, went to seminars on the faith, or had the sisters...I had this person. They taught me about faith when I was least expecting it and when I least wanted it. Their death has me facing a lot about myself that I don't think I am ready to face. It's all just been a blur, and I ask God that He just keep her close to Him in heaven. And my heart aches with an ache I've never had before. I want to be happy because I know this is what she wanted, to suffer and enter the gates of heaven. I guess I just don't understand how to heal the hurt and emptiness left behind.
Someone once told me that we must not be ready for heaven if God has not taken us there. That somehow God has a plan we must be a part of so no matter how ready we think we are...it's actually kind of prideful to think we're ready when God (author of all life) says we stay. And so I look at this person, and no wonder God took them. They were ready to go, without thinking, without blinking an eye she was ready. Of course there were the human things, she has a child who is stuck between the middle of heaven and this world, and I think it was hard for her understand that at this point she will be better with her prayers in heaven than her work on earth.
Working with the sisters, I've seen them struggle with this idea that their work (being their prayer) is something they'll have to willingly give up when the Father beckons. That as they grow old they must accept that suffering, they must willingly offer their souls a little at a time as God teaches them reliance on Him. This was what I witnessed in my friend. She will have to accept her work in heaven as opposed to the human she knows on this earth. And then I of course get reminded of my favorite quote:
I've lost someone very dear to me, and not only did I lose them they suffered tremendously. It's hard to put into words the emptiness, extreme sadness, and the love into words. This person (from my perspective) was a saint. They prayed for everyone's salvation no matter their personal feelings. They put their love into actions. And when I had little faith, this person showed me in small loving ways the beauty that is Christ. When it came time for this person to suffer, they did so willingly, offering up anything for the kingdom and redemption of souls.
I am struggling because I never really showed this person what they meant to me. Long before I went to daily Mass, knew what adoration was, went to seminars on the faith, or had the sisters...I had this person. They taught me about faith when I was least expecting it and when I least wanted it. Their death has me facing a lot about myself that I don't think I am ready to face. It's all just been a blur, and I ask God that He just keep her close to Him in heaven. And my heart aches with an ache I've never had before. I want to be happy because I know this is what she wanted, to suffer and enter the gates of heaven. I guess I just don't understand how to heal the hurt and emptiness left behind.
Someone once told me that we must not be ready for heaven if God has not taken us there. That somehow God has a plan we must be a part of so no matter how ready we think we are...it's actually kind of prideful to think we're ready when God (author of all life) says we stay. And so I look at this person, and no wonder God took them. They were ready to go, without thinking, without blinking an eye she was ready. Of course there were the human things, she has a child who is stuck between the middle of heaven and this world, and I think it was hard for her understand that at this point she will be better with her prayers in heaven than her work on earth.
Working with the sisters, I've seen them struggle with this idea that their work (being their prayer) is something they'll have to willingly give up when the Father beckons. That as they grow old they must accept that suffering, they must willingly offer their souls a little at a time as God teaches them reliance on Him. This was what I witnessed in my friend. She will have to accept her work in heaven as opposed to the human she knows on this earth. And then I of course get reminded of my favorite quote:
I would like my community, my church, my family, to remember that my life was given to God and to this country. That the Unique Master of all life was no stranger to this brutal departure. And that my death is the same as so many, but they must know that I will be freed of a burning curiosity and, God willing, will immerse my gaze in the Father's and contemplate with him his children as he sees them. This thank you which encompasses my entire life includes you, of course, friends of yesterday and today, and you too, friend of the last minute, who knew not what you were doing. Yes, to you as well I address this thank you and this farewell which you envisaged. May we meet again, happy thieves in Paradise, if it pleases God the Father of us both. Amen.
She is released of the burning curiosity embedded onto our souls, that of heaven. She is immersing her gaze in our Father's, and contemplating our very redemption.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
you and me together — we won’t turn away.
Story from Live Action found: http://liveactionnews.org/bestselling-author-ann-voskamp-rejected-an-abortion-is-pro-the-least-of-these/
Ann Voskamp is a loving wife to a hard working farmer, mother of 6 and author of the NY Times Bestselling book, “One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are”. Ann’s book has helped countless women grow in gratefulness and appreciate the many blessings they take for granted. Ann has a popular blog where she writes about the joys of marriage, struggles of faith and beauty of life. In an April 16th blog post titled, “What Gosnell and the Gospel mean to the Brave”, Ann shares her thoughts on abortion in a letter written to her son. Ann begins by telling him a story:
Ann Voskamp is a loving wife to a hard working farmer, mother of 6 and author of the NY Times Bestselling book, “One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are”. Ann’s book has helped countless women grow in gratefulness and appreciate the many blessings they take for granted. Ann has a popular blog where she writes about the joys of marriage, struggles of faith and beauty of life. In an April 16th blog post titled, “What Gosnell and the Gospel mean to the Brave”, Ann shares her thoughts on abortion in a letter written to her son. Ann begins by telling him a story:
I had bent over the tiles of the doctor’s office like I might hurl.
Like I might lose everything and the leaves, they’d clung to the rain splattered window.
And it’s not like I saw the doctor spin her chair or saw her lean forward. I just heard the mechanics of her rotation, the spinning of everything.
Just will be forever razed with what she said next, the way she’d said it like you could simply snip off light and not long feel the dark:
“Have you considered an abortion?”
Ann was taken aback by the way the doctor casually asked if she wanted to abort her child.
I had just blown out the candles on my 21st birthday cake. Married 90 days. Starting my third week of my third year of university. Terror can make people feel like all they have is terrible choices.
She shares with her son what she told the doctor and what abortion is really about.
Here me, Son, and remember it every time you hear the word abortion: Abortion isn’t so much about a woman having choice — but a woman feeling like she has no choice.
For one lifelong moment, the atoms of everything split and spun and hung.
And then my heart pounded out words out loud, words my synapses hadn’t even formed: “No — religiously impossible.”
And with three words — you fluttered and unfurled.
I don’t know how to say it — that you received what one million other aborted human beings every single year in the United States don’t get.
You received the gift of inhaling and exhaling and unfolding and being enfolded, and walk through a place like Gosnell‘s and this is the gift we can never get over — all that might not have been. A million families unspoken grief. Your lungs fill even now with the oxygenated impossible.
Ann calls us for us to see life in the right perspective:
Life isn’t a right to do with as we want, but a gift from God for Him to do with as He wills.
She writes about abortionist Kermit Gosnell and the temptation in her heart to turn away from the gory details of his case.
When I read of the blood and the babies and the snipping of necks, I wanted to wish it all away, close my eyes to sin and not bear witness. But in bearing witness, we bear the weight of glory, of God who bears sins and rises, and redemption requires testimony.
Ann goes on to address male promiscuity as one of the problems related to abortion.
And hear me, Son — our voice about women’s abortions lacks authenticity unless we speak of male promiscuity.
Ann believes people of God should love pregnant women and not shame them.
We can shame a woman for getting pregnant and we can shame her for aborting that baby but it’s shame for sin that bullies into further sin and what if instead of shaming, we weren’t ashamed of the Gospel of extravagant Grace?
Ann commissions us to fight for the least of these. She states that when we turn away from loving women and children, we turn from Christ.
For Christ followers, it’s more than being pro-choice and pro-life — it’s about always being pro-the-least-of-these:
The abortion debate is not so much about how we can somehow change the law, but right now change how we love. To have credibility in lobbying for laws against the abortion of babies, we must have the dependability of opening our doors for the welcoming of children.
If the compassion of the world is “We do not unwanted children born into the world,” then the compassion of the Gospel has to be far more powerful. The compassion of Christ-followers needs to literally and practically and sacrificially be: “We do want all the children born into this world.”
If we are truly pro-the-least-of-these: How does each and every Christian live in a way that witnesses to wanting all children, to welcoming all children, to wrapping around all children?
And how do we value the worth of every single woman?
You and I, we have to. Because ultimately this isn’t a debate and we can’t turn away indifferent — When we turn away from vulnerable women and children, we turn away from the venerable Christ.
Ann acknowledges the reality of abortion is hideous and at times we all want to look away. Yet she urges us not to.
And the truth is — We turn away from Gosnell because it’s our high school friends and it’s our sisters, its our daughters and our sons, and our children, our stained hands. It’s our grief of loss and our sins of neglect and our failure as a community. The tender mourning of it is that: Abortion is a sign of failure of community.
You and me together — we won’t turn away.
This is as messy as a bomb on a street corner on and this is as much a national tragedy and this is our collective loss — of women and children and families and men and in standing with those who bear witness, we bear the weight of glory, with the God who bears sins and rises, and redemption requires testimony and we will be the people who do not turn away.
Ann has used her eloquent writing to give an poignant commentary on life, love, and human dignity. Her article should be read again and again, dissected, and discussed by those in the pro-life community. It’s encouraging to know this article has been shared over 25,000 times on Facebook. It contains valuable truths that can help us love the weak and be pro-least-of-these. Thank you Ann for being brave enough to speak out on this issue.
~~~~~~~~
Ann pointed out beautifully and poetically the many different facets of the abortion crisis facing our society, but the community part stuck out to me the most.
I love that she points out it is due to the loss of community. When we've forgotten about the least of these, we've forgotten about our brothers and sisters in Christ. I think it has to do with the whole cultural attitude that we must do things on our own. That to love others to the extent that they could hurt you means you are weak. It has to do with social media in that we don't have to be responsible for our actions, we don't have to see people face to face anymore to be our "friend", and that texting versus talking is actually praised in our society.
We don't want to face the truth, because society tells us we don't have to. Society tells us it's our choice what we want to believe, that all beliefs are created equal, and that truth doesn't exist. When we've believed that, we've lost the meaning of humanity, and that is the community and living for each other. We've lost accountability of each other, and those we love.
Like I might lose everything and the leaves, they’d clung to the rain splattered window.
And it’s not like I saw the doctor spin her chair or saw her lean forward. I just heard the mechanics of her rotation, the spinning of everything.
Just will be forever razed with what she said next, the way she’d said it like you could simply snip off light and not long feel the dark:
“Have you considered an abortion?”
Ann was taken aback by the way the doctor casually asked if she wanted to abort her child.
I had just blown out the candles on my 21st birthday cake. Married 90 days. Starting my third week of my third year of university. Terror can make people feel like all they have is terrible choices.
She shares with her son what she told the doctor and what abortion is really about.
Here me, Son, and remember it every time you hear the word abortion: Abortion isn’t so much about a woman having choice — but a woman feeling like she has no choice.
For one lifelong moment, the atoms of everything split and spun and hung.
And then my heart pounded out words out loud, words my synapses hadn’t even formed: “No — religiously impossible.”
And with three words — you fluttered and unfurled.
I don’t know how to say it — that you received what one million other aborted human beings every single year in the United States don’t get.
You received the gift of inhaling and exhaling and unfolding and being enfolded, and walk through a place like Gosnell‘s and this is the gift we can never get over — all that might not have been. A million families unspoken grief. Your lungs fill even now with the oxygenated impossible.
Ann calls us for us to see life in the right perspective:
Life isn’t a right to do with as we want, but a gift from God for Him to do with as He wills.
She writes about abortionist Kermit Gosnell and the temptation in her heart to turn away from the gory details of his case.
When I read of the blood and the babies and the snipping of necks, I wanted to wish it all away, close my eyes to sin and not bear witness. But in bearing witness, we bear the weight of glory, of God who bears sins and rises, and redemption requires testimony.
Ann goes on to address male promiscuity as one of the problems related to abortion.
And hear me, Son — our voice about women’s abortions lacks authenticity unless we speak of male promiscuity.
Ann believes people of God should love pregnant women and not shame them.
We can shame a woman for getting pregnant and we can shame her for aborting that baby but it’s shame for sin that bullies into further sin and what if instead of shaming, we weren’t ashamed of the Gospel of extravagant Grace?
Ann commissions us to fight for the least of these. She states that when we turn away from loving women and children, we turn from Christ.
For Christ followers, it’s more than being pro-choice and pro-life — it’s about always being pro-the-least-of-these:
The abortion debate is not so much about how we can somehow change the law, but right now change how we love. To have credibility in lobbying for laws against the abortion of babies, we must have the dependability of opening our doors for the welcoming of children.
If the compassion of the world is “We do not unwanted children born into the world,” then the compassion of the Gospel has to be far more powerful. The compassion of Christ-followers needs to literally and practically and sacrificially be: “We do want all the children born into this world.”
If we are truly pro-the-least-of-these: How does each and every Christian live in a way that witnesses to wanting all children, to welcoming all children, to wrapping around all children?
And how do we value the worth of every single woman?
You and I, we have to. Because ultimately this isn’t a debate and we can’t turn away indifferent — When we turn away from vulnerable women and children, we turn away from the venerable Christ.
Ann acknowledges the reality of abortion is hideous and at times we all want to look away. Yet she urges us not to.
And the truth is — We turn away from Gosnell because it’s our high school friends and it’s our sisters, its our daughters and our sons, and our children, our stained hands. It’s our grief of loss and our sins of neglect and our failure as a community. The tender mourning of it is that: Abortion is a sign of failure of community.
You and me together — we won’t turn away.
This is as messy as a bomb on a street corner on and this is as much a national tragedy and this is our collective loss — of women and children and families and men and in standing with those who bear witness, we bear the weight of glory, with the God who bears sins and rises, and redemption requires testimony and we will be the people who do not turn away.
Ann has used her eloquent writing to give an poignant commentary on life, love, and human dignity. Her article should be read again and again, dissected, and discussed by those in the pro-life community. It’s encouraging to know this article has been shared over 25,000 times on Facebook. It contains valuable truths that can help us love the weak and be pro-least-of-these. Thank you Ann for being brave enough to speak out on this issue.
~~~~~~~~
Ann pointed out beautifully and poetically the many different facets of the abortion crisis facing our society, but the community part stuck out to me the most.
I love that she points out it is due to the loss of community. When we've forgotten about the least of these, we've forgotten about our brothers and sisters in Christ. I think it has to do with the whole cultural attitude that we must do things on our own. That to love others to the extent that they could hurt you means you are weak. It has to do with social media in that we don't have to be responsible for our actions, we don't have to see people face to face anymore to be our "friend", and that texting versus talking is actually praised in our society.
We don't want to face the truth, because society tells us we don't have to. Society tells us it's our choice what we want to believe, that all beliefs are created equal, and that truth doesn't exist. When we've believed that, we've lost the meaning of humanity, and that is the community and living for each other. We've lost accountability of each other, and those we love.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
a little more of what I promised
I promised to give a view on life as told by my job description: combat boots and a stethoscope. Well, I don't think I've been doing a very good job of that. It's mainly been a personal blog about my theology, updates on life, and my love of whatever. And now I realize what an important time this is, I can never get this time back. I will not always be a military nurse in a clinical setting dealing with human life.
As great as I want to make it sound, it is rather kind of boring. I love nursing, all the hard work I had to do to get through school was all worth it. But in actuality, it's been rather boring. I had these images of being always on the go, starting IVs in a patient that coding or sitting talking to my patient as they come to know Christ. But really, it's just me giving meds, hanging fluids, and walking the hallways occasionally Shoot, lung sounds and heart sounds are all normal most of the time. It is also endless paperwork: discharge paperwork, admin paperwork, and endless charting (because if it's not charted, it didn't happen)-there will always be something to chart. Some days fly by while one patient is being discharge as another is being admitted. I do the best I can to make a connection, but oftentimes they don't even want to talk and I am too busy doing paperwork. Of course I've met interesting people, everyone has their story, and I have been able to start IVs, but in my head I had something exciting plan and reality is much more mundane than that.
I think this is most reflective of the spiritual life. While it's exciting to dream of being a martyr, oftentimes we're just living our everyday lives. Christ spent 30 years in ordinary before he started his public ministry...he lived in the ordinary. And honestly, the ordinary is where God is so evident. He is big, he is powerful, but he created the mundane. It is in this mundane we get formed. We get the small challenges that help us build up into the person Christ asks us to be, or it is the time we completely ignore the grace of God. This is where we learn the "little things with great love" that the Saints talk about.
This is the time I get to learn it.
As great as I want to make it sound, it is rather kind of boring. I love nursing, all the hard work I had to do to get through school was all worth it. But in actuality, it's been rather boring. I had these images of being always on the go, starting IVs in a patient that coding or sitting talking to my patient as they come to know Christ. But really, it's just me giving meds, hanging fluids, and walking the hallways occasionally Shoot, lung sounds and heart sounds are all normal most of the time. It is also endless paperwork: discharge paperwork, admin paperwork, and endless charting (because if it's not charted, it didn't happen)-there will always be something to chart. Some days fly by while one patient is being discharge as another is being admitted. I do the best I can to make a connection, but oftentimes they don't even want to talk and I am too busy doing paperwork. Of course I've met interesting people, everyone has their story, and I have been able to start IVs, but in my head I had something exciting plan and reality is much more mundane than that.
I think this is most reflective of the spiritual life. While it's exciting to dream of being a martyr, oftentimes we're just living our everyday lives. Christ spent 30 years in ordinary before he started his public ministry...he lived in the ordinary. And honestly, the ordinary is where God is so evident. He is big, he is powerful, but he created the mundane. It is in this mundane we get formed. We get the small challenges that help us build up into the person Christ asks us to be, or it is the time we completely ignore the grace of God. This is where we learn the "little things with great love" that the Saints talk about.
This is the time I get to learn it.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Stealing a Glimpse of Heaven
I have these moments where I don't feel so me.
Life has changed so drastically, so quickly, and it keeps changing so drastically and quickly I can't keep up with myself.
But there's something divine about all these changes, because through all this I have had a constant with which to cling. Christ.
http://vimeo.com/42400233
I went to this, and it was amazing because I realized I had not prayed with a giant group of faithful in so long. It was like stealing a glimpse of heaven, hundreds of people bowed down in adoration of our Lord. It was mighty and it was powerful.
I've been struggling with loneliness off and on a lot lately. I am living such a different life than I used to that it feels like such a shadowy way of living. I am still the same person, a cheery disposition, trying very hard to keep charity, smiling always...but something has changed.
I am no longer in my comfy cozy environment surrounded by people who love as passionately and serve as faithfully. People don't praise my joyfulness here they feed on it. They give me weird looks when I smile, and they HATE my cheery disposition (what can I say it's not becoming of an officer in the military).
But there's something I've come to recognize...Christ loves these people so much! He wants their hearts so badly, and for Him, I want their hearts badly as well.
I've noticed that I have been very worn down, run ragged, and the worst is still coming. There's this feeling of impending doom that has completely enveloped where I work, and the attitudes of those around me have come to reflect it. It is in this time I feel like people need my joyfulness. It is where joy is going to shine because it has become such a dark place. The beautiful thing about joy is that I know it does not come from me, it comes from the heavenly Father. He loves His people so much, and He wants to give them joy. I look into the faces of my co-workers, and I have to remind myself that they are Christ. They too deserve heaven not based on merit but based on the sheer love the Father has for them. If the Father can love them, I can too.
I have to be more intentional. Meaning I must pray for the graces, when I get mad or hurt or annoyed I must look into their faces and remember Christ within them before I can move on. The other me, the former life did not have to be intentional. Whenever I did not have joy I had someone around me who did and that was enough to continue hope. But here in this place, being intentional and seeking Christ in the person is what I must do.
And it's funny, once this occurred to me I realized how easy I had it. How little I was offering God. Praise Him that He has given me the chance to grow, and the mercy for when I make mistakes.
I am head over heels in love with Christ. Here He has made Himself so tangibly present. I remember I used to sit in the chapel for hours wanting to feel something, feeling like I could do more, praying for God to take hold of my heart, and He did. He simply did for it is here He has become so tangibly present I cannot deny it any longer. And the more real He becomes the more I realized all these gifts I thought I had (bring joy, being charitable, etc) they were never my gifts. They were always His, and He chooses how He wants them manifested (whether I get in the way or not). It was never me all along, and it was when I realized that fact that I could fully love Christ and let go of this need to be something bigger. For it is always in Christ that things live and move and have their being.
It is here in this place where I've wallowed in my loneliness, wondering if I would ever feel home again that I lift my eyes towards heaven and realize just how weak I am, and just how strong and loving He is. He is the one at work, I just have to stay back, say yes, and fall in love.
Life has changed so drastically, so quickly, and it keeps changing so drastically and quickly I can't keep up with myself.
But there's something divine about all these changes, because through all this I have had a constant with which to cling. Christ.
http://vimeo.com/42400233
I went to this, and it was amazing because I realized I had not prayed with a giant group of faithful in so long. It was like stealing a glimpse of heaven, hundreds of people bowed down in adoration of our Lord. It was mighty and it was powerful.
I've been struggling with loneliness off and on a lot lately. I am living such a different life than I used to that it feels like such a shadowy way of living. I am still the same person, a cheery disposition, trying very hard to keep charity, smiling always...but something has changed.
I am no longer in my comfy cozy environment surrounded by people who love as passionately and serve as faithfully. People don't praise my joyfulness here they feed on it. They give me weird looks when I smile, and they HATE my cheery disposition (what can I say it's not becoming of an officer in the military).
But there's something I've come to recognize...Christ loves these people so much! He wants their hearts so badly, and for Him, I want their hearts badly as well.
I've noticed that I have been very worn down, run ragged, and the worst is still coming. There's this feeling of impending doom that has completely enveloped where I work, and the attitudes of those around me have come to reflect it. It is in this time I feel like people need my joyfulness. It is where joy is going to shine because it has become such a dark place. The beautiful thing about joy is that I know it does not come from me, it comes from the heavenly Father. He loves His people so much, and He wants to give them joy. I look into the faces of my co-workers, and I have to remind myself that they are Christ. They too deserve heaven not based on merit but based on the sheer love the Father has for them. If the Father can love them, I can too.
I have to be more intentional. Meaning I must pray for the graces, when I get mad or hurt or annoyed I must look into their faces and remember Christ within them before I can move on. The other me, the former life did not have to be intentional. Whenever I did not have joy I had someone around me who did and that was enough to continue hope. But here in this place, being intentional and seeking Christ in the person is what I must do.
And it's funny, once this occurred to me I realized how easy I had it. How little I was offering God. Praise Him that He has given me the chance to grow, and the mercy for when I make mistakes.
I am head over heels in love with Christ. Here He has made Himself so tangibly present. I remember I used to sit in the chapel for hours wanting to feel something, feeling like I could do more, praying for God to take hold of my heart, and He did. He simply did for it is here He has become so tangibly present I cannot deny it any longer. And the more real He becomes the more I realized all these gifts I thought I had (bring joy, being charitable, etc) they were never my gifts. They were always His, and He chooses how He wants them manifested (whether I get in the way or not). It was never me all along, and it was when I realized that fact that I could fully love Christ and let go of this need to be something bigger. For it is always in Christ that things live and move and have their being.
It is here in this place where I've wallowed in my loneliness, wondering if I would ever feel home again that I lift my eyes towards heaven and realize just how weak I am, and just how strong and loving He is. He is the one at work, I just have to stay back, say yes, and fall in love.
Monday, February 18, 2013
the Vocation of Choice
I have a lot of friends struggling right now with the fact that they cannot hear God. They do not receive spiritual consolations in prayer, and they cannot make a choice with their life unless it brings them happiness.
I am not quite sure I see it from that perspective. I think a part of us will always be "homesick for heaven". Homesick for a home we know not of, but to which our deepest longings rest. I understand I will NEVER be truly happy in this life because it is not heaven. The joy that comes day to day is the hope that I will one day see God face to face. I will "immerse my gaze into my loving Father's", that is our hope, that is what we cling to, and that is what brings us the joy in this lifetime-looking forward to the next.
But there's something sticky here and that is choice. We make choices everyday: will we press the snooze button, what will we eat, how will we dress, what will our driving habits be like? On and on the choices in a day are endless. And each of them brings us closer or further to God...we make that choice. Will we choose to dress modestly so as not to bring any wandering eyes into sin (that is probs more of a struggle for girls), will we act with charity on the road and towards those we encounter throughout our day? Choice, the everyday ones, are what make us up as humans. They are where we let the Divine dwell.
I used to work with religious sisters...BEST JOB IN THE WORLD...some of my friends that have left the convent told me choice is the hardest thing sometimes. When they lived in the convent there's this thing called a "vow of obedience" with which they live. They didn't have to make choices someone made it for them. They knew they would eat breakfast, they didn't have to worry about what they're wearing, and they had so much grace to treat people with charity. It was a no-brainer to live in a convent.
But this life, this world is SO much more complicated. You see, we here in the real world deal with distractions. We get distracted from prayer so we lack grace. When we lack certain graces other things fall away like our ability to see the good and to treat people with charity. We get distracted by the media and society so much that our dress starts to look like that of the culture, possibly alluring others into sin. The music we listen to, how we will spend our money, the movies we watch, they all play a part in how our soul will form and conform to the world or to Christ.
It is in these choices that we choose heaven. Our spiritual consolations may not come because the soul is willing but the flesh isn't ready. Consolations are so emotionally driving, and faith is not found in emotions.
I say all this because I made a choice. I decided to take the road that leads me further into this world instead of the next. Where consolations may not come. I know I will be distracted, I will be making choices not just for my soul anymore but for (God willing) many other souls. And I am so scared.
But then it is Lent, and I look at Christ on the cross. He carried the WHOLE world...I think I can carry my portion in this life as I wait for the next. Knowing where my heart will truly be full, even if I don't always feel it. I write this so I remember this when the hard times come.
And you can carry your cross too...just make the choice to. For God is in the choices.
I am not quite sure I see it from that perspective. I think a part of us will always be "homesick for heaven". Homesick for a home we know not of, but to which our deepest longings rest. I understand I will NEVER be truly happy in this life because it is not heaven. The joy that comes day to day is the hope that I will one day see God face to face. I will "immerse my gaze into my loving Father's", that is our hope, that is what we cling to, and that is what brings us the joy in this lifetime-looking forward to the next.
But there's something sticky here and that is choice. We make choices everyday: will we press the snooze button, what will we eat, how will we dress, what will our driving habits be like? On and on the choices in a day are endless. And each of them brings us closer or further to God...we make that choice. Will we choose to dress modestly so as not to bring any wandering eyes into sin (that is probs more of a struggle for girls), will we act with charity on the road and towards those we encounter throughout our day? Choice, the everyday ones, are what make us up as humans. They are where we let the Divine dwell.
I used to work with religious sisters...BEST JOB IN THE WORLD...some of my friends that have left the convent told me choice is the hardest thing sometimes. When they lived in the convent there's this thing called a "vow of obedience" with which they live. They didn't have to make choices someone made it for them. They knew they would eat breakfast, they didn't have to worry about what they're wearing, and they had so much grace to treat people with charity. It was a no-brainer to live in a convent.
But this life, this world is SO much more complicated. You see, we here in the real world deal with distractions. We get distracted from prayer so we lack grace. When we lack certain graces other things fall away like our ability to see the good and to treat people with charity. We get distracted by the media and society so much that our dress starts to look like that of the culture, possibly alluring others into sin. The music we listen to, how we will spend our money, the movies we watch, they all play a part in how our soul will form and conform to the world or to Christ.
It is in these choices that we choose heaven. Our spiritual consolations may not come because the soul is willing but the flesh isn't ready. Consolations are so emotionally driving, and faith is not found in emotions.
I say all this because I made a choice. I decided to take the road that leads me further into this world instead of the next. Where consolations may not come. I know I will be distracted, I will be making choices not just for my soul anymore but for (God willing) many other souls. And I am so scared.
But then it is Lent, and I look at Christ on the cross. He carried the WHOLE world...I think I can carry my portion in this life as I wait for the next. Knowing where my heart will truly be full, even if I don't always feel it. I write this so I remember this when the hard times come.
And you can carry your cross too...just make the choice to. For God is in the choices.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
the Shadowlands of Life
It's off in the distance hurtling towards us at great speeds. We often do not know it's there because we fail to look, we turn away, or it's moved so face we never saw it coming.
That is the shadowlands...mine seems to be hurtling at me lately with such great speeds I see it now, and pray I have enough time to brace for impact.
A woman who gave me faith when I never wanted to talk about God aloud is now diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I cringed when I heard because I know people do not survive. Many of you might know the Last Lecture guy succumbed to the demise of this disease as well as Steve Jobs. This time is no different, it will be a painful goodbye that has come too soon for someone I've loved so much.
A friend's sister died a little over a month ago. I helped this friend then pack up the house, and all I wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything will eventually be alright, even if she can't see it now. But I sipped a beer and continued packing instead,
I worked the L and D unit at my hospital to find out a patient had been admitted for "fetal demise", and the baby was still in her. The heartache I felt was unbearable, and even though I never met this woman my heart broke for her. To bring life forth out of love, to grow it inside, to feel the child kick and move and develop a personality with likes and dislikes...to wake up one morning and stop feeling the child move. The panic of knowing something is wrong, and it's too late. The heartbreak that ensues afterwards must be unbearable.
And then to this, someone I just came out of training with. This man who was so joyful and ready to serve his country, and someone else ended that for him.
And then there's of course the Newtown shooting tucked away in the mists of all this that goes on in my own life. Kids images flashed onto a screen while I eat lunch, andI just can't imagine being a parent to one of them. To see all your hopes and dreams ended because of a lost soul.
Through all this I know how resilient the human spirit is. How we long for hope, joy, and passion. How the soul longs for Christ even if it doesn't know that's what it's longing for. And how much love there is to give and receive. We must fight this pain and heartache with love. You can't get the resurrection without the crucifixion and silly us if we think we are better than Christ that we do not deserve suffering. Rather, it is in suffering that we find our meaning and purpose to loving.
That is the shadowlands...mine seems to be hurtling at me lately with such great speeds I see it now, and pray I have enough time to brace for impact.
A woman who gave me faith when I never wanted to talk about God aloud is now diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I cringed when I heard because I know people do not survive. Many of you might know the Last Lecture guy succumbed to the demise of this disease as well as Steve Jobs. This time is no different, it will be a painful goodbye that has come too soon for someone I've loved so much.
A friend's sister died a little over a month ago. I helped this friend then pack up the house, and all I wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything will eventually be alright, even if she can't see it now. But I sipped a beer and continued packing instead,
I worked the L and D unit at my hospital to find out a patient had been admitted for "fetal demise", and the baby was still in her. The heartache I felt was unbearable, and even though I never met this woman my heart broke for her. To bring life forth out of love, to grow it inside, to feel the child kick and move and develop a personality with likes and dislikes...to wake up one morning and stop feeling the child move. The panic of knowing something is wrong, and it's too late. The heartbreak that ensues afterwards must be unbearable.
And then to this, someone I just came out of training with. This man who was so joyful and ready to serve his country, and someone else ended that for him.
And then there's of course the Newtown shooting tucked away in the mists of all this that goes on in my own life. Kids images flashed onto a screen while I eat lunch, andI just can't imagine being a parent to one of them. To see all your hopes and dreams ended because of a lost soul.
Through all this I know how resilient the human spirit is. How we long for hope, joy, and passion. How the soul longs for Christ even if it doesn't know that's what it's longing for. And how much love there is to give and receive. We must fight this pain and heartache with love. You can't get the resurrection without the crucifixion and silly us if we think we are better than Christ that we do not deserve suffering. Rather, it is in suffering that we find our meaning and purpose to loving.
"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."-CS Lewis
So I close this thought with music. Kiss it Better by He is We.
And she cried,
Kiss it all better,
I’m not ready to go.
It’s not your fault love,
you didn’t know, you didn’t know.
Now he sits behind prison bars,
25 to life and shes not in his arms.
He couldn’t bring her back with a bullet to the heart,
Of the back of a man and tore his world apart.
seeking revenge isn't the answer, the only person who can kiss it better is the Giver of Life.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The Shadowlands
Watching a movie about CS Lewis called Shadowlands. The following conversation ensues among his friends:
"Don't worry Warren, nothings going to change I'm not really going to marry her. What I happen to do is to extend my British citizenship to her and her boys so that she can go on living in England"
"by marrying her"
"Only technically. A true marriage is a declaration before God, not before some government official. This will be a bureaucratic formality, nothing more. We will all go on living exactly as before"
Shadowlands is an account of CS Lewis as he falls in love with his wife Joy. Their marriage is short lived, and this PBS special takes no shortcuts in examining the pain that comes with the death of a loved one. It depicts the sanctity of marriage is a hauntingly beautiful way, remind us that all of life passes away and heaven is which we should cling.
"What I resent about Christmas is this general presumption of good will, I feel no good will towards my fellow man only idiot will"
"nothing about how you feel, feelings are far too unreliable"
"and what has it got to do with?"
"God becomes man...simple as that"
"and what has it got to do with?"
"God becomes man...simple as that"
"Then God MUST be bonkers. Who would choose voluntarily to be human? Almost satisfactory to stay divine"
"Well than think of Christmas in terms of magic. The birth of a helpless squealing creature who happens to be God in an omnipotent baby. Doesn't that satisfy your taste for the peculiar? The coming of new life in the heart of winter when everything seems to be dead. The snow falls and the trees bear fruit...that's real magic"
I thought this was a nice thought provoking little ditty on Christmas given in a very funny way. Especially when all seems to be dead we must remember that God came to be divine for us.
And again later when talking about marrying joy for citizenship:
"I've decided to marry Joy"
"No jack, you astound me""Don't worry Warren, nothings going to change I'm not really going to marry her. What I happen to do is to extend my British citizenship to her and her boys so that she can go on living in England"
"by marrying her"
"Only technically. A true marriage is a declaration before God, not before some government official. This will be a bureaucratic formality, nothing more. We will all go on living exactly as before"
Shadowlands is an account of CS Lewis as he falls in love with his wife Joy. Their marriage is short lived, and this PBS special takes no shortcuts in examining the pain that comes with the death of a loved one. It depicts the sanctity of marriage is a hauntingly beautiful way, remind us that all of life passes away and heaven is which we should cling.
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