For example, I wanted to be a religious sister but I never want to make a choice that would be permanence to that longing. Once I made a choice to be open about it, I got labeled, and God change my heart (slowly and quickly all at the same time, it was weird). And of course I'm going through the whole "I hope I'm making the right decision" debate in my head...because it is a sacrament and it will bring permanence.
So looking back, I miss my life so much. I miss who I was, what I felt. I miss being blessed when I come into work, I miss the feeling that my work somehow has meaning beyond myself. I miss my roommates who filled my life with such JOY! Who loved me when I was most unlovable, who cuddled when I needed physical touch, and people who I didn't need to explain myself. I could simply be and that would be enough. I miss compline at the motherhouse where 200+ nuns would chant the psalms, and that was a little dash of heaven any night I wanted to go.
Now we have the present...I think for me it's been the hardest place to be. People don't like my cheerful attitude they think me weird. It's a constant struggle to explain who I am, what I'm made of, why I am joyful. There are no religious, and I'm so busy that I can't take the time I usually have to go pray with them every night. There's no roommates here, just the own voices inside my head. I get calls from former roommates, and I feel like things are falling apart. I am supposed to be getting married, but my fiance and I haven't lived in the same states in over a year. I feel so very separated even from him. Mostly, there's this God-sized hole with where I wish my life where and where it actually is. Sometimes it's filled, but most of the time it's lonely.
Then I look to the future and there's two things: doom/gloom or the brightest hope in the world. The doom/gloom part is how hard it's going to be to raise little saints in this future world. The brightest part will be their smiles, and seeing them become their own. When I think of the future this poem always comes to mind, it's George Gray by Edgar Lee Masters:
I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me --
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire --
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.
This guy is looking at his tombstone wondering how he put meaning, how he made his mark only to realized he had missed all his chances. I dread this someday happening to me; for life without meaning is torture. When I look into the future I see God somehow, in His own way (through prayer and following Him) putting that meaning there in a way I never expected. This is what my boat longs for, to be tossed in the waves of God's ocean.
And that's the deal about making choices, you just gotta do it! It's figure out your choices, pray, and do! We can't sit forever on our choices, we can't let our boat sit in the harbor waiting for the "perfect day" or else the opportunity can be lost in time, and boats were not made for sitting in harbors. I may not know the future, but it is for God to know and me to make the choice. And even though I dread making the wrong choice, I trust that God will have guided me through it. My sails, His winds.
No comments:
Post a Comment