I've lost someone very dear to me, and not only did I lose them they suffered tremendously. It's hard to put into words the emptiness, extreme sadness, and the love into words. This person (from my perspective) was a saint. They prayed for everyone's salvation no matter their personal feelings. They put their love into actions. And when I had little faith, this person showed me in small loving ways the beauty that is Christ. When it came time for this person to suffer, they did so willingly, offering up anything for the kingdom and redemption of souls.
I am struggling because I never really showed this person what they meant to me. Long before I went to daily Mass, knew what adoration was, went to seminars on the faith, or had the sisters...I had this person. They taught me about faith when I was least expecting it and when I least wanted it. Their death has me facing a lot about myself that I don't think I am ready to face. It's all just been a blur, and I ask God that He just keep her close to Him in heaven. And my heart aches with an ache I've never had before. I want to be happy because I know this is what she wanted, to suffer and enter the gates of heaven. I guess I just don't understand how to heal the hurt and emptiness left behind.
Someone once told me that we must not be ready for heaven if God has not taken us there. That somehow God has a plan we must be a part of so no matter how ready we think we are...it's actually kind of prideful to think we're ready when God (author of all life) says we stay. And so I look at this person, and no wonder God took them. They were ready to go, without thinking, without blinking an eye she was ready. Of course there were the human things, she has a child who is stuck between the middle of heaven and this world, and I think it was hard for her understand that at this point she will be better with her prayers in heaven than her work on earth.
Working with the sisters, I've seen them struggle with this idea that their work (being their prayer) is something they'll have to willingly give up when the Father beckons. That as they grow old they must accept that suffering, they must willingly offer their souls a little at a time as God teaches them reliance on Him. This was what I witnessed in my friend. She will have to accept her work in heaven as opposed to the human she knows on this earth. And then I of course get reminded of my favorite quote:
I would like my community, my church, my family, to remember that my life was given to God and to this country. That the Unique Master of all life was no stranger to this brutal departure. And that my death is the same as so many, but they must know that I will be freed of a burning curiosity and, God willing, will immerse my gaze in the Father's and contemplate with him his children as he sees them. This thank you which encompasses my entire life includes you, of course, friends of yesterday and today, and you too, friend of the last minute, who knew not what you were doing. Yes, to you as well I address this thank you and this farewell which you envisaged. May we meet again, happy thieves in Paradise, if it pleases God the Father of us both. Amen.
She is released of the burning curiosity embedded onto our souls, that of heaven. She is immersing her gaze in our Father's, and contemplating our very redemption.
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