That middle place

where you look back for inspiration and look forward for motivation.

It's the place I am at. Looking back at all the people who've touched me, all the experiences that have shaped me. I see the inspiration from them all. A conglomerate of blessings I had no business taking part of, blessings of which I am so undeserving.

Then I look forward to this future, and I look for motivation. I take it moment by moment in trying to live in the present.

It's all been very anti-climatic, life of schooling and military training ended in a couple of ceremonies and BOOM! Time to actually act on my schooling and not just talk about it.

I am in a different place from many of my other graduates because I will not be looking for a job or worrying about my resume...I just have to be cool with the fact that I don't know yet where I will go (you see I have to be licensed first which means yet another exam given in a standardized way by a state...whew scary). 

So here's where trusting God with the present moment comes in. I do now know where I will go nor for how long. I do not know what I will be doing nor if I will need to do any extra training. And here comes my good friend Jeremiah to remind me "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And the truth is...it's hard. When I look at the past, I want to live in it and not let go. When I look to the future, I get a little scared. How am I supposed to move on without my past? Where am I supposed to go? I know what a weak little soul I am, and oh how easily distracted I get. I see that God has placed me exactly with the proper people, in the proper time and place to have my soul completely flourish in His love. He knows me so well that He knew where to place me in the community I best fit, and it is the blessing of this community that I had no part in. This is what I do not know how to let go of, and I ask God why He would place me in such a beautiful place to have me let go of it. I want God to want my plans as desperately as I want them. But it's really the other way around when living the Gospels...you have to want God's plan as desperately as He wants you.

And so I am here in the middle looking at both the past and my future holding on to this: the present moment. Everything I have worked for has alas come to an end...or a new beginning I have yet to see. God knows the plans, I do not, and this is where I seek solace.